IT’S FINALLY BACK BOYS AND GIRLS!!! The Voice is back on our collective television screens and we get to watch as a bunch of famous people hit excessively large red buttons to fulfill an aspiring artists dreams. This year we have two new judges: Usher and Shakira, because last names are for idiots.
I’ll be your arbitrary judge, grading the contestants on a combination of singing ability, stage presence, song choice, wardrobe, aesthetics, ability to make Usher dance, perceived willingness to hang out with me, and survivability in a Revolution-style no-power apocalypse. All this weighed into a 1-10 scale, with 1 being god-awful and 10 being OMG AMANDA BROWN’S RENDITION OF DREAM ON! Afterwards I’ll let you know who turned, make a judgment on which judge they should choose (for guy’s this will almost always be Shakira, because Shakira) and then my reaction to the judge they chose. Then I’ll give grades for every coach at the end of the night, because I’m a glutton for punishment.
Crazy how this show gave Carson Daly his dignity back.
Shakira seems really nice. Christina’s passive-aggressive bitchiness will not be missed. HIPS DON’T LIE Y’ALL!!! Interesting that we have three judges that got where they are on singing ability, and then Shakira who got where she is because she can gyrate the shit out of those hips.
Now. Time for us to find this year’s Amanda Brown. I DON’T CARE THAT SHE DIDN’T WIN!!! No I’m not going over rules, because if you’re reading this you should sure as hell know how it works.
OOO! Surprise performance. I really like this song. Even if it is The Beatles. Because I don’t really like The Beatles. I know I’m the only person in the world that doesn’t like The Beatles. I’m okay with that.
The Morgan Twins (Fallin by Alicia Keys): Nobody really likes duets on this show. They’ve never made it out of the second round unless I’m mistaken. Carson Daly is such a tool, “OMG THATS SO CRAZY GUYS! YOU’RE LIKE TWINS AND SHIT!” Nothing special. Decent on the high note. I’m not that impressed though. I probably wouldn’t have turned my chair. 5.5/10
Who turned?: Every-fricken-body, because apparently I don’t know anything about music.
Who they should pick: Usher, they apparently want to do some R&B work, so Usher is probably the best choice. He is also incredibly smooth in his pep talk.
Who they picked: BLAKE!? Strange choice. Not country singers, and they were very sold on Usher. He has won with R&B before, so it could work.
Jess Kellner (Can’t Help Falling in Love by Ingrid Michaelson (originally Elvis or some shit)): COUNTRY SINGER ALERT! She’s from Texas. Her mom is an alcoholic. The hairdresser thing is the only thing throwing it off. Also first sob story of the night. She’ll feel dumb when someone who’s mom is dead and dad has cancer comes in and steals the spotlight. Is that bad to say? Whiffed on the country part. Very good singer, but I don’t know if the voice is strong enough to make it far. She’s pretty though, and if that don’t get you an extra .5, then I don’t know what will. 8/10
Who Turned?: Shakira Shakira and Usher. I like that Adam and Blake are letting the noobies go at it.
Who she should pick: Shakira, has a little more nuance with her voice that could benefit her. I think Usher isn’t a great fit, too different of styles.
Who she picked: Usher, because I’m not sure any of the contestants ever actually think before they pick. She is good though, so the coach isn’t a huge deal here.
Mark Andrew (Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan): He roofs houses with his brother and wants to do something else. SHOCKER. Oof, dead band. Front-runner in the sob story. I hate when they are all like “DUURRR I LOVE THE VOICE BECAUSE THEY JUST HEAR MY VOICE GUUUHHH”. Very different voice from his speaking voice. Sort of a deeper Adam Levine. Not bad. Decent song. 6.5/10
Who Turned?: Adam and Shakira
Who he should pick: Adam. Because they have similar styles and voices, so it just makes sense. Plus I don’t think Shakira can teach him how to gyrate his hips effectively. Also Shakira isn’t like Christina, I don’t think she’ll have sex with her whole team. But what do I know, sometimes you gotta take risks.
Who he picked: Shakira, because his wife likes Shakira. I don’t think he is a strong contender.
Janetza Miranda (Titanium by Sia): Spanish singer, so Shakira turns around and she picks Shakira and we all go “UUUGGGHHH” because they sing Spanish songs and they aren’t as good. Aaaand she loves Shakira. Nailed it. Also this song is by Sia, because David Guetta is a freakin’ producer and doesn’t get to say he sings it. She is kinda all over the place. Tons of potential and a very strong voice. But all of those notes she misses make it tough. I would never stop that last note, because I AIN’T GOING HOME TIL THEY KICK ME OUT!!! 6/10
Who Turned?: Nobody. She is so good, but every once in a while where she hopped around on her notes screwed her up. Probably a solid candidate to come back next year. She got a free hug from Adam though. I’d do some pretty questionable things for a hug from Adam Levine.
Danielle Bradbury (Mean by Taylor Swift): 16 years old, in case you feel like you accomplished something today. She was bullied for crooked teeth, SO FEEL BAD FOR HER DAMNIT! I like this girl. I bet she never got a Disorderly Conduct. Taylor Swift song, so only turn around if she can sing it better than Taylor Swift. Now I don’t like country music, but I kinda like this. Good performance, not great, but can only get better probably. Solid on her notes. I assume your singing peak is whatever age Kanye West was when MBDTF came out. I like how Blake goes crazy whenever someone turns around. “HEY ASSHOLE STOP PLAYING THIS GAME!” I like her. 7.5/10
Who turned?: Blake, Usher, Adam
Who she should pick: Blake. Let’s not overthink this guys. Country go with country. UNLESS YOU WANNA GET ON THAT USHER TRAIN!!! Big fan of Blake saying “Oh we take ownership of Taylor Swift”. “Nashville is a state” might be the Usher quote of the season.
Who she picked: Blake. Easy choice. Country singers struggle on the voice, but we’ll see what she can do.
Vedo (Boyfriend by Justin Bieber): No last name? Usher is gonna love that. And he’s doing Bieber. Ya, chalk it up for Usher. And there’s the cancer story. Oh man I want this dude to win. Got me in tears. -.5 automatically for the Bieber. Get that shit outta here. Good but not great. I hate that nobody ever drops the mic when the coach they want turns around. “Oh its Usher? Ya, I’m good, cut the music.” 7/10
Who Turned?: Usher.
USHER BY DEFAULT! Which is probably for the best, because that’s the best style match there.
Christian Porter (Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO): Mom thought he was deaf. Cool story, bro. Works in a bar. OH MAN YOUR LIFE IS TOUGH! GO TELL VEDO WHAT ITS LIKE TO WORK IN A BAR! THE HORROR!!! Interesting take on an LMFAO song, woulda been better if you did this with “Shots”. EVERYBODY!!!! He’s really good. Not sure how I felt about the high notes, but something about singing “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ya” in that voice gets you some extra points. Might be the best of the night. 8.5/10
Who Turned?: Everyone but Adam, because Adam apparently doesn’t want to play this season.
Who he should pick: Ooof, he was tailor made for Adam, so now it gets tough. Don’t got Cee Lo the weirdo to fall back on. Hard to tell what he wants to do as a singer, so I’m stumped. Let’s say Shakira?
Who he picked: Blake. I’m okay with that. Do whatever you gotta do.
CHRISTINA MILIAN GO AWAY!!! I WAS HOPING YOU WERE RUN OVER BY A BUS!
Leah Lewis (Blown Away by Carrie Underwood): Chinese country singer? I’m not so much intrigued. 15-year-old might be a record. This girl is way too excited about country and blues music. Very ready to go for a fifteen year old. I am not an effective grader for country music. Sounds good. Doesn’t really wow me, though. Apparently none of the judges either.
Who Turned?: Nobody. She’s young she’s got time. She has like 20 years until she has to put out her MBDTF. ALL OF THE LIGHTS ALL OF THE LIGHTS!!!
Kris Thomas (Saving All My Love For You by Whitney Houston): Listened to cassettes. Pastor dad is not pleased. This is the craziest family EVAR. Fell asleep at the wheel while drunk. AND HE’S A PASTOR’S SON!? Holy shit. This guy is good. We found this season’s Trevon Hughes, which means he’ll only do Whitney songs and I’ll hate him by the 3rd round. Should be fun! 8.5/10.
Who Turned? Shakira. Surprised he didn’t get more.
Props to Usher for saying what we were all thinking, guy sounds like a girl. Could be a contender. ADAM STILL DOESN’T HAVE ANYONE!!!
James Irwin (The Man Who Can’t Be Moved by The Script): Holy sad story. That definitely takes the cake. I like his voice, but he had that one part where he completely beefed it and it killed him. Gotta come out and be perfect here. Especially when you pick a pretty easy song. Dirty shame. 6/10
Who Turned?: Nobody. I hope he goes on to do something good. Cool guy. Wish someone would’ve picked him. I feel like he has potential if he didn’t miss that note on a pretty easy song.
Judith Hill (What A Girl Wants by Christina Aguilera): SHAKA KHAN!!! I always call Shaka Smart from VCU Shaka Khan because my brain thinks there can only be one person with the name Shaka in the entire world. She sang with Michael Jackson. Her sob story is Michael Jackson died? I remember that day. I think I made a joke about carnivals and child molestation. But I’m an awful person. Way to jump the gun Usher/Adam. Two notes and BANG! Worth it though. This chick has fire. Tops of the evening. And we don’t even have to listen to Christina get off on someone singing her song. 9/10
Who Turned?: Everybody. Although Adam is going to light himself on fire for her, so we’ll only have three coaches pretty soon.
Who she should pick: That’s tough. She can probably do great with anyone. Crapshoot, but I’d go Usher, because he is the top power singer. Probably goes with Adam though so that there is one artist on Adam’s team.
Who she picked: ME!!! Oh wait did I drift off again? Musta been a dream. Totally went with Adam. Cue This Girl is on Fire by Alicia Keys, which is the best song that doubles as a murder confession. Great pick up for Adam.
ADAM: Don’t need anyone else when you get Judith. Winner winner, chicken dinner. A
SHAKIRA: Kris is gonna make super sexy babies with Shakira. Jess is a solid sleeper pick. B+
USHER BABY: Vedo has some talent, solid acquisitions, but no one that will win. C-
BLAKE: Christian Porter is a great add, but the twins are dead weight on this team. Danielle Bradbury has some potential. B-
SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW NIGHT!! GAWD I LOVE THIS FLIPPIN SHOW!!!